What You Might’ve Missed

When did we become so much smoke, and so little fire?

And at your touch, I collapsed into myself- like a great star…or a hollow human being.

Goodbye doesn’t even feel like leaving anymore. It just feels like part of the process…like staying was never an option.

I am not naive enough to believe that the world is all rainbows and butterflies, but I know that today is not nearly as dark as yesterday- and yesterday was not nearly as dark as the day before. And for now, that is enough.

And I was somehow always still there to catch you- even when it wasn’t me that you fell for.

I don’t need you in order to be me. My life will go on- with or without you.

We are too young to feel this old.

I hid my heart away so that it would not be broken…and in the end, it was the loneliness that hurt me more than anything.

Your lies drip like honey from your lips and fall like acid on my skin.

So I spend hours on end tossing your words around in my mouth, biting at their edges, sucking out meanings that weren’t even there to begin with.

And instead of food, I fill my empty stomach with memories of you:
Those eyes.
Those lips.
That voice.
Those fists.
I’m living like you are the only thing I need to survive, like empty promises could somehow fill these holes that you’ve left.

Like I could eat my own heart out and still be home in time to cook your dinner.

I tell myself that you never loved me in the same way that I loved you. I can’t bring myself to admit that you never really loved me at all.

And as we pursue what we consider to be life, we often leave behind the very things that keep us alive.

Do what makes you happy.

It’s so bittersweet seeing her with you- but I know that she will love you in all the ways that you deserve to be loved. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.

Please don’t anchor yourself to things that only know how to float away.

I want to know why you loved her when you couldn’t love me. I want to know why things happen the way that they do- why the world shows us beauty just before it leaves us blind.

In a perfect world- you’d learn how to love me, and I’d learn how to let go of the things that didn’t.

You’ve waited this long- please don’t give up now. I promise you, love is on it’s way.

I’m, somehow, still waiting for you to love me.

My dear, a girl like you is much too valuable a thing to be begging for love.

My mistake wasn’t that I loved you; it was that I believed you loved me, too.

Don’t for a second think that you are the only one who has made your mistakes. We are all nursing old wounds behind closed doors.

I’m not giving up you…so you aren’t allowed to give up on you, either.

Yes, I still love you. No, that doesn’t mean I want you back.

There are pieces of the woman I thought I’d be all over this apartment.
Last night I tripped over my dreams on my
way to the kitchen.
And I curl up in bed at night
under quilts made of words
that I never had the courage to say
Or of ones that I did
but to the wrong person
and at the wrong time.
And I spent 7 years
trying to find my self-worth
before I realized I’d thrown it out
with the rest of the trash.

Love is the easiest thing in the world; it’s humans that are difficult.

To say I loved you more than I ever expected to is an understatement. You somehow became the only thing that mattered to me.

There is nothing more terrifying than to love something past all sense of self-preservation- and yet, it is the only thing that our hearts truly desire.

She spent her whole life running away, but never escaping. The problem was that sadness like hers come from the inside, not the outside.

Is this the part where I’m supposed to pretend I don’t miss you?

It’s suddenly January, and you’re not here..and I still am…and nothing is the way I imagined it would be.

This year, I will let go of the things that have let go of me.


One Response

  1. 👌 Bravo! Rock on…

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