Looking Back

It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve posted here, and I thought maybe I’d try to put something new in. You’ll see that my writing style and image preferences have changed, but I hope some of these words still mean something to you.


I am alone when I cry out your name. I am alone when I cry. I am alone.


I see your eyes for the sympathy that they’ve held but I see your hands for the bruises that they’ve left.


She loved more than any sane person can. She loved with every piece of her she ever had and with every piece she’d ever lost.


I thought that maybe I could help you even though I couldn’t help myself. I thought that might make the pain a little easier to deal with- knowing that you didn’t have to deal with it as well.


I need you to protect yourself. Because I’m too busy saving myself from me, to save you from me.


Just a few words strung together by a stupid, beautiful boy; but they meant the world to me.


One day you will be loved the way that you had once loved him. Maybe more.


And that is why you will continue on- not because love or happiness is promised, but because it exists and maybe, just maybe, you will be one of the few that find it.


Rush onward, beautiful, fragile soul.


You’re the butterflies in my stomach, the beating in my heart, the knife in my back.


Eventually we will all have to accept the fact that we are not healing. This will be our new normal. And still, the world will spin on.


She’ll never know you the way that I do. But you already know that.


I don’t know if you’ve changed, or if you were never who I thought you were to begin with.


You’ve carried on so long you couldn’t stop if you tried.


But God, you’d give anything to get back that feeling of not feeling anything at all.


The person I was 5 years ago wrote this for the person you were five years ago. But neither of those people exist anymore.


He is made of flame, scorching all he will touch. Can’t you feel the ashes already?


I still trickle through your veins. I am that poison you can’t feel.


And when I was young I bundled up the best parts of my soul and I left it in the woods. I’ve always found it there since, waiting.


But there’s still a dull ache in the depths of my lungs, reminding me that it’ll be back some day. And I wait.


There are questions that I no longer ask and there are secrets that I no longer tell. This is how I survive.


The secret was a hole in the middle of me that every happy thing fell into.


Why didn’t I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future.


I saw you today. Watched as you walked the other way.

mountain elopement photos

I did what I had to do to keep what was left of myself. I never promised that fixing me wouldn’t break you.


I breathed in your sweet, sickening words, felt your venom flow through my veins like air into my lungs. The spiral down was heavenly.


I was not enough. You never said it, but you didn’t need to.


I raise my eyes to see the sun on the horizon. For a split second I think it is dawn and hope swells within me. But this is dusk.


Fight for air that used to come so easy, this is surviving. It isn’t pretty, but holding life by the tips of your fingers never is.


But it isn’t that we’ve “been through” a lot. It’s that we’re going through a lot and that we always will be. These problems are a very part of us, and they aren’t going to change. This is just life for us.


He strolls gracefully through the days, and I stumble in his wake.


You can’t touch something that beautiful without feeling the burn. You’ll always feel it.


The months slowly began to blend into one another and I watched as all that I once knew drifted away from me.


As years went by, she slowly lost what little she had left of her vision, and then all at once she was blind.


4 Responses

  1. i just checked and i thank you so much for coming back! i have loved this site ever since the first day i went on it 🙂

  2. I have checked this site on a regular basis for so long, never thought there would be anything new. So I re-read pervious posts, please start posting again…I’ve needed this.

  3. Please start posting more regularly again, I love your stuff!

  4. Welcome Back!

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