August 30

I am the kind of girl who enjoys the chase. I get a thrill when it comes to winning someone over and making them fall in love with me. Then when rough times in a relationship emerge, I run off kicking and screaming. I analyzed my actions once. I came to the conclusion that I’m afraid of getting too close to someone because I’m scared to get hurt. When a boy takes one step forward, I take three steps back. I’ve done this my whole life. It is my greatest downfall, the reason I have lost so many loves.

I just want to be happy. And every time I get close to it,  it seems like something has to come in and mess things up for me.I see that you’re online, and the butterflies in my stomach from being anxious are still there. You message me and ask me how I am. I put my fingers to the keys and realize that there is nothing left to say. There is nothing for me to say that will change anything. There is nothing I haven’t said to try to change your mind.

I kinda miss the bond we shared. I mean, who wouldn’t miss that comfortable feeling with a person. Where we could talk for hours about everything, anything and not have a problem with the silence in the middle. Can’t forget all the ridiculous stuff we did. Stupid or not, everything was just so fun. Endless nights, real talks, the “remember whens” I remember it all. And it’s funny what life does, how it could just give you things and take it away so soon. I really can’t get it to my head that you grow distant from people and that good things come to an end sooner or later. But along the way I learned one thing about life; it goes on, you just gotta pick yourself up and learn to keep up.

One day you’ll realize, in a moment of sweet chaos, wild hearts aren’t meant to be tamed.

The first time you fall in love it changes your life forever. And no matter how hard you try, the feeling just never goes away.

I don’t love you, but I did, and I’m sorry for showing that emotion I have so much hate for. I’d apologize for the mess it made, but if that’s all you’re seeing, then I see no point in dragging back the memories, those amazing memories. And it’s really too bad you don’t look at those times because that is what will hurt you the most, knowing you lost them, me, us. I once heard you can’t break a broken heart, I fail to believe that because you’ve done it…more than once. The way I see it, you fill it up with your kisses, your touch, your blue eyes staring into mine, your words, the way you make everything like the romantic movies, how you believe in me, and make me feel beautiful. But then, all of it crashes to the ground, and you see it all broken into pieces, just there, nothing you can do about it, and you feel that burning feeling in your heart, telling you this was going to happen, saying to walk away, but you do the opposite, you continue to walk forward into the broken memories, thinking somehow this will work, and the memories will be brought back and he will be yours again…and you look down at your feet, and they’re bleeding, but you keep going, because even though it hurts, you have to do it to stop the pain in your heart. Your mind is telling you to go forward, but your heart is slowly tearing. Piece, by piece, by piece. And then at that split moment, you look up at his face, at that second you realize something…lies. And the funny thing is you get mad at your heart, not him, no because your heart is what let him in. Again. And again. And again. He lied to you and your heart was overwhelmed by idiocy, and took them all in, filling in the cracks. You wake up laying on that glass and no matter how uncomfortable it is, you don’t want to get up. So you stay. And you let it dig into your mind that he’s gone. And he is. And that’s what hurts the most. But time passes, and you’re starting to forgive your heart. But you have given it limits. It can only go so far. And what ruins that. His words, his kiss, his touch, his lies.

Here’s to the girls, the ones that stayed up late hoping he’d text back and made up lies pretending he was too busy just to make themselves feel better. Here’s to the ones that gave him their whole heart just to have it smashed. The ones who couldn’t even talk to their best friends about it because it seemed stupid not to be over him yet.

My parents said that I was special, that I wear my heart on my sleeve. But really, I just trust people too easily. I usually create a false image of who I want them to be instead of who they really are. Soon, it’s the fantasy person I trust. I believe it when they say, “i’m your friend” or “you can trust me” or “I truly care about you.” I’m the cause of my own downfall. I trust people too easily. But I learned my lesson: trust no one.

A thousand lies have made me colder & I don’t think I can look at this the same. But all the miles that separate disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face. I’m here without you baby, but you’re still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby & I dream about you all the time.

It’s hard when you miss people. But you know, if you miss someone, that means you’re lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.

And I still remember that night. The night when everything fell together so perfectly, and we wished it would last forever. But it didn’t.

I thought I was over him, done with him but then there he was, and I couldn’t breathe.


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