I miss what we could’ve been, should’ve been. I miss what we didn’t have, almost had. I miss who you were, who you made me into.

I won’t be your consolation prize. I love you, and you’re either going to love me back or leave me alone.

I didn’t have the heart to hurt you. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. But I didn’t have the heart to love you, not the way you wanted me to.

I loved him so, but I let him go, because I knew he’d never love me back.

Everything changed. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but nothing is the same. What we had, whatever that was, is ruined. I can’t fix this.

I feel like this is pretend and I’m scared.

 You have no idea what it’s like to be me looking at you.

And though my mind told me otherwise, my heart knew the truth: I would never look at him the way I looked at you.

We all carry things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors and drown us out at sea.

I’m scared and I don’t like it, but even if I wanted to I’m not sure I could fight this.

And as the days got colder, so did your heart. And once Spring arrived, you and I had already drifted apart.

Your beautiful eyes stare right into mine and sometimes I think of you late at night. I want to be somewhere where you are.

I can’t pretend that I’m okay with this anymore. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t bother me that you’re just gone, off living your life somewhere, without me.

But I’ll be okay, is that what you want me to say?

Just pretend you don’t care. And don’t be surprised when he comes crawling back saying he made a mistake. And if you want to go, go with him again. But make him work for you. Don’t be his doormat. Don’t let him in the first time he rings the bell. Make him come back every day until you trust him enough. If he doesn’t come back after a couple of tries, just let him go. But if he comes back every day, then he’s worth it. Trust me, he’s worth it.

And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, everything started to fall apart.

I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too.

I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen but as the years wasted on nothing ever did unless I caused it.

I wish that I held your words more dearly, like they were the last words I would ever hear.

All alone again but I’ve been through all this shit before. Spend my nights in self-defense, cry about my innocence but I ain’t all that innocent anymore.

I miss you, but mostly I miss us.


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