This could be paradise.

I can feel my heart aching. Though it beats, it’s breaking. And the pain here I feel, try and tell me it’s not real.

He was the only one I had ever known who had the power to affect me so deeply. He could ignore me one day, sending me home with scores of bad poetry in my diary, and give me a compliment the next that left me on cloud nine for the rest of the week.

You said yourself that you were done with this. I believed you, it’s the trust I miss. When my eyes start to tear, you’ll remain part of everything. I am your friend, talk to me, tell me anything. I love you despite everything.

You used to be with me everywhere I went. I could feel you in my bones, always. But now you’re fading away, just like everything else that ever meant anything to me.

I’ve been waking up everyday with the sense that I am falling behind despite my best efforts. I feel as if I’ve been failing. I once was doing things because I wanted to. And now, it’s gradually started to feel like I have to. As if I have no other choice.

I will always have problems trusting people. I’ll never think that anything will last. Friendships and relationships, all of them just seem doomed. But I still try, for the rest of my life, I will try.

I hate not knowing. It seems like everything these days is uncertain.

Pain comes in all forms. In the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, and the normal pains we live with everyday. Then there’s the kind of pain that you just can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. It makes the rest of the world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. We ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, run from it and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Give me love. Thrill me. Surprise me. Dazzle me. Delight me. Tease me. Please me. Give me days I’ll away remember and nights I’ll never forget. Give me everything I want and nothing I need. Give me you.

Because I broke down today, and I’m not sure I got myself back together. Memories from two years ago, coupled with the rainy weather. Bet myself it would be the last time I cried about it at all, bet myself I wouldn’t take another fall. Well, I lost the bet, and now I’m down another heart. Lately, I’ve been wondering if it’s all because I miss you. I don’t think I can handle missing you.

Here’s to the girls, the ones that stayed up late hoping he’d text back and made up lies pretending he was too busy just to make themselves feel better. Here’s to the ones that gave him their whole heart just to have it smashes. The ones who couldn’t even talk to their best friends about it because it seemed stupid not to be over him yet.

I had the most wonderful feeling once. It’s the feeling I just keep trying to find in all the wrong people, just to feel it again. The feeling I’ve felt for one person, the only time it was real, where I didn’t have to try. I want it back. And in the end, it all comes down to who’s on your mind at two in the morning.


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