I’m not sure what to do about you. The feeling has never stopped. I’ve always wanted to be with you, and I’ve always had a thing for you. It fades in and out.. but it never really goes away.Back then it felt like we were a couple, but now I know that we were just a couple of kids.

All I ever wanted was to know what to do.

He saw me. And his eyes changed. They went from being open and curious and ready to take it all in like they always are to suddenly looking all soft and slept and – I know it sounds weird but – tender. The skin at the edges of his eyes crinkled just slightly, like he was beginning to smile but didn’t want to rush it. And his lips curved up just the barest amount, like the look between us was a secret we shouldn’t give away. And for that one moment it was like I was the only person in the room as far as he was concerned, and he was so happy to see me, and what’s more, he fully expected me to be as happy to see him, which I was. And that’s how I knew.

You can make all the right moves and sometimes still lose.

Liking a boy was just the same as believing you wanted to know a secret – everything was better when you were denied and could feel tormented by curiosity or loneliness. But the moment of something happening was treacherous. It was just so tiring to have to worry about whether your face was peeling, or to have to laugh at stories that weren’t funny.

Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night wanting. But still, sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know, maybe I had my happiness.

It all comes down to the last person you think about before you fall asleep.

I think it was summer time when I laid eyes on you. I didn’t even know your name; somehow we ended up in the same room. I always made up some excuse, saying that you weren’t my type, didn’t wanna face the truth, didn’t wanna cross that line. It’s a typical love story. We started out as friends, we met way back then. This is just a typical love story. The boy you never wanted just steals your heart. I never saw it coming ’til I fell so hard.

I should’ve said yes. I was young and I was scared and I didn’t realize that by saying I wasn’t ready it would mean that we would never be together again.

Looking back now, I realize that you were perfect the way you were. You were beautifully reckless and daringly careless, and I should have let you be that. But I was a fixer, a pusher. And so I pushed you to be just what I wanted you to be, pushed you to be perfect. But I pushed you to your breaking point and, inevitably, you broke. We broke.

I’ve got no one to keep around and no one who wants to stay. I’m sick of sitting here and making so many things my priority when eventually they just all fall back to options.

A joker is a little fool who is different from everyone else. He’s not a club, diamond, heart, or spade. He’s not an eight or a nine, a king or a jack. He is an outsider. He is placed in the same pack as the other cards, but he doesn’t belong there. Therefore, he can be removed without anybody missing him. I was the joker.

Cheating is just another piece of evidence of the double standard in our world. Boys are okay to do it, but if girls do we’re marked as whores and sluts.

If you weren’t so attractive, it’d be a lot easier to forget you.

Change is a funny thing. We’re never quite sure what we’re becoming, or why. Then, one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got there.


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