I hate that you seem perfectly fine without me.

But it’s no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

I wish I had kept it all; I wish I had records of all the things we’ve said to each other, just to make sure they aren’t a pigment of my imagination, just to make sure they were real.

Maybe this chapter marks the start of no more broken hearts.

I’ve come to realize that one of the best feelings in life is waking up, and realizing that you’ve let go of that one thing that had been burdening you.

I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice. I’m mad for always apologizing for things I didn’t do. I’m mad for getting attached. I’m mad for depending on you and wasting my time on you. I’m mad for thinking about you, and most of all for not hating you when I should.

Seems only yesterday when you put your faith away and you slammed the door and locked your heart away. Now everything you trusted in, everything you could have been; it’s like a memory that’s fading away. Well, I know you’ve been hurt, baby, I’ve been there too but it’s only fear that’s holding on to you.

All the words unspoken, promises broken, I cried for so long. Wasted too much time, should’ve seen the signs now I know just what went wrong; I guess I wanted you more.

I wish I was cold as stone, then I wouldn’t feel a thing. I wish I didn’t have this heart, then I wouldn’t know the sting of the rain. I could stand strong and still, watching you walk away. I wouldn’t hurt like this, or feel so all alone. I wish I was cold as stone.

And I heard you’re doing good, and you heard I’m doing better.

I have a fear of relationships. Maybe it’s because I’ve been in too many that have failed. So, when someone tries to get close to me, I panic because, in the end, they always leave. I’ve been battered and broken and I’ve closed myself off because there are only so many times your heart can break before you completely fall apart. Yeah, maybe I’m missing out on opportunities with some great guys but, it’s not worth the pain.

I wonder what you think when you see me.

Yeah so maybe it happened two years ago. And yeah, maybe we were never actually together. But it felt that way. Maybe you didn’t always treat me right but then again, I didn’t always treat you right. Still no matter how many fights we got into, we always ended up finding each other again. Then everything fell apart. The sad thing is, if you asked me to take you back this very second, I wouldn’t hesitate.

I will never forgive you if you walk away now.

And me, I ran. I couldn’t even look at him, for fear I’d have to say goodbye.

When people ask me what I see in you, I don’t know what to tell them. Because honestly, I don’t know. But when I look into your eyes, I see magic and it just makes me want to lose myself in your arms.

Time doesn’t heal when you’re not ready to move on.

And I loved him, god, how I loved him. It wasn’t love of course, even I can see now that it was infatuation, but at the time it near enough killed me. It’s so passionate, so intense, so painful, that even years afterward you still feel the hurt when you hear their name.

You’ve gotten so caught up in being alone that you’re afraid of what might happen if you actually find someone that can take you away from it.

Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain.

Along the way, I forgot who I was. I forgot what it felt like to be confident, and what it felt like to be happy.

This whole thing is crushing me.

I want something indescribable and terribly too out of reach. I want a love that grabs ahold of me and doesn’t let go. I want to be taken by the hands, shown the true meaning of caring, wanting, needing someone more than myself. And I want it to last forever. I want something that is eternal and infinite. Something that doesn’t fade away with the summer sun.

Because part of me wanted to send you running away and part of me just wanted to hold you tight.

My feelings just changed. I had been waiting for you to realize you couldn’t go another day without me. I had played out every excuse you could have had for putting all that time between us. Missing you had become second nature to me. And somewhere in the last year, when I never got that phone call, and you never showed up, and we never ran into each other, I just stopped feeling like I needed you so much.

And I’ve noticed that you’re eyes always linger on my face for just a second too long. And I wonder if you’ve noticed that mine do the same…

At this age, we’re invincible.

I’ve learned to keep my composure, to play it cool when really it’s killing me inside. I’ve learned to let it go, to let you go. Yet I still care and honestly, it sucks. I want to be out there, gone and away from you. I want to forget about you. I want to move on, but I can’t, and I don’t know why.

I want this to work, I really do, but I just don’t see how it could.

Maybe this isn’t our time yet. I let fate decide. If we are meant to be, we’ll be together. Maybe not now. Maybe not yet.

Sometimes to do the things you love, you leave the ones you love behind.

I felt the world was ours for the taking, when I fell into your eyes. Never a doubt that we would make it if we tried. You promised you’d never break my heart, never leave me in the dark. Said your love would be for all time, but that was back when you were mine.

He’s cute. Not in a every girl would be dying to be with him kinda way, but a he gives me butterflies just by smiling at me kinda way.

We all have that boy. That boy who you’re completely over, but you still think about before you sleep. That boy who you avoid talking to, but still wish he would text you just once. That boy who you have to make yourself not think about, but always wonder if he is thinking about you.

I’ve gone through this before, and that’s why I don’t get why this is so hard for me to deal with. It’s the simple fact that he just doesn’t want me like I want him, I guess, maybe, it’s so hard because for a while there he made me feel like he did. Maybe that’s the difference.


2 Responses

  1. Could you do posts about loving someone so much more than life its self?
    🙂

    • Tonight’s post has a few, I’ll have more in tomorrow’s. (:

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