“I hate myself pretty often.” She tilted her face back onto the pillow, damming her tears and attempting to smile at the same time. “Pretty fuckin’ often.”

I wish that for once in my life, everything could just fall into place like it does for everyone else.

Take comfort in knowing that I, no matter how much you think I’ve got it good, I am completely miserable. And I will continue to be for awhile now. I don’t know if this sadness will ever go away. You had him, you still do and that is so much more than what I can say for myself. He loves you, he will always love you and that is more than I can say for myself; I have been forgotten, swept under the rug, left behind by the one person I gave my all to. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are loved. Please don’t forget that. I want you to know that, I just want you to know.

Once in a while, someone comes along and changes everything you believe about yourself.

You’re uncontrollable, and we are unloveable, and I don’t want you to think that I care,
I never would, I never could again.

You broke me. I probably shouldn’t, but I forgive you. I remember crying my eyes out because I didn’t want to kiss you, because I knew in my heart it was over even before it ever started. But I kissed you anyway knowing nothing was going to happen. I’m not a prize to you, but you’ll never find another me. What am I supposed to say, I’m sorry for falling in love with you? That’s the one thing I’ll never apologize for.

I am the dust collecting on your bottom shelf. I am the love letter that you read once and forgot about afterward. I am nothing special, and I want nothing more than for you to tell me otherwise.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change something, take back something I’ve said, or avoid a fight with you just to see if anything would have changed, if we’d still be together if that one thing hadn’t happened.

This has everything to do with him. This is about knowing the difference between right and wrong, between the truth and a lie. He took that away from you and if you can’t tell the difference, then you can’t trust anyone. And if you can’t trust, you can’t love.

Fall asleep knowing that tomorrow will be a million times better than today.

I hope that someday we could talk and forget that time ever drew distance between us. We could make a bridge out of words, as fragile as it might be; the awkward pauses and incomprehensible mumbling, twisting, and twining into some stronger foothold.

I want to be alright without you. I want to smile, I want to laugh, and I just want to stop lying to myself. You’ve been pulling me down for way too long and I know now it’s time to let you go. It’s time I stop worrying about you and your precious little life; it’s time I think about myself for a change. It’s time I treat myself right and leave behind those who don’t. It’s time I dig myself out of this hole and start all over again.

I look at people holding hands in the hallways, and I try to think about how it all works. At the school dances, I sit in the background, and I tap my toe, and I wonder how many couples will dance to ‘their song.’ In the hallways, I see the girls wearing the guys’ jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.

Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

I still miss you, and maybe even still like you, but I’m done chasing you.

Sweetheart, you can’t bullshit me. See, I’ve lied to myself enough to know when someone else is doing it. So let’s try this again, and how about the truth this time.

I remember the late night talks. I remember all the promises, the ones we both knew would be broken. How he knew more about me than anyone. I never thought that it would end this way. After wanting someone for so long, its supposed to be perfect, right? Everything should last forever. But he fell out of love, and when you love someone, you just want them to be happy. Even if their happiness doesn’t involve you.

I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.


2 Responses

  1. “I hate myself pretty often.” She tilted her face back onto the pillow, damming her tears and attempting to smile at the same time. “Pretty fuckin’ often.” Ah 😀 I love it , what stores are these outfits from in th pics because I love them !!!

    • Thanks! The clothes are all from various stores, but you can find similar stuff at stores like forever21. (:

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