I realized that I was holding onto something that didn’t exist anymore. That the person I missed didn’t exist anymore. People change.

I’ve been running around for the past year with absolutely no direction. I didn’t know what I wanted. All I knew was that you were always there, always in my head, always under my skin.

I am everything you want, I am everything you need. I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I say all the right things at exactly the right time but I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why.

The hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But in everybody I’ve met in the past few years, I found myself looking for you.

I won’t make it alone, I need something to hold.

This was not a fairy tale. This was not the movies. This was life. It hurt more. It was excruciating. It was excruciatingly beautiful.

I’ve been learning to live without you. But I miss you sometimes. I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter. But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to shatter. But I think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if you don’t love me anymore.

And you taught me what this feels like. And then how it feels to lose it. And you showed me who I wanted. And then who I wasn’t. And you ticked every box. And then drew a line. And you weren’t mine to begin with and then not to end with. And you looked like everything I wanted. And then became something I hated. And you get thought of every day and then not in a good way. And you let me leave. And then wish I’d stayed. And you almost killed me. But I didn’t die.

I haven’t seen you in ages, sometimes I find myself wondering where you are. For me you’ll always be eighteen, and beautiful and dancing away with my heart.

There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.

I think a part of me will always be waiting for you.

I miss that feeling when you go to sleep at night and when you wake up in the morning. It’s the feeling that everything is alright in the world. You know, that amazing feeling when you’re whole, that you’ve got everything you want, that you aren’t missing anything. Sometimes when I wake up, I get it for a moment. It lasts a few seconds, but then I remember what happened, and how nothing has been the same since.

Before I make any promises, before you have regrets, before we talk commitment, let me tell you of my past. All I’ve seen and all I’ve done. The things I’d like to forget.

I’d like to think I never did those things or never said that to you. But the truth is, I did and that’s a part of me. I made mistakes and I know who I am because of them. I lost you because of it, but to lose you meant to gain myself.

I can still feel you lean into kiss me. I can’t help but wonder if you ever miss me.

I found it hard to be in love. That’s only because I didn’t want to fall in love. I refused to lower my walls down. I was too afraid of getting hurt. Once you open yourself up to someone, there’s a chance things won’t go the way you intended, and you will be left broken. I wasn’t ready to feel empty, not just yet.

This, too,  shall pass.

And maybe its not life that sucks. Maybe it’s just the people you let in your life that suck.

We said we’d keep in touch. But touch is not something you can keep; as soon as it’s gone, it’s gone.

I never will forget when we owned the night.

I miss those midnight conversations. I miss how you would make me laugh out of my own frustration. But you just come to know that you get so used to being loved, and in one second it can all come crashing down. Now I know to not let anything get that far ever again, because I didn’t know how I could wake up one morning and have it all hit me. I didn’t know I could miss you this much.

Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it, because talking about it makes it worse. Sometimes I just wanna turn off my phone and be left alone so I can figure things out by myself.

And I don’t believe in love. I believe people have lost what love is and what it’s about. I’m not saying I know what love is because I sure as hell don’t. All the relationships I have been in have left me broken and bitter towards love. That sounds bad, I understand, but how many times can you go through pain, and loss, and disappointment without coming out the other end a little bitter? So, I’ll still wish on stars and wish on 11:11 but I’m no longer wishing for you to love me. I’m wishing for a new heart.


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