I’ve never known the loving of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand.

Don’t trust too much. Don’t love too much. Don’t hope too much, because that too much can hurt you so much.

And you were holding my hand, and rubbing my thumb like you always used to. And you looked at me and said, “One day, you’re going to break my heart.”

Every atom of me missed him.

And when I don’t see him for a week or so it’s almost as if everything slows and his touch becomes unattainable.

I love you. I know the other night didn’t mean for you what it did for me. But I don’t regret it and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since it happened. Not just because it was great, which it was. But because it was right. It was so right and you may not see that right now, but I do.

You know, ever since I first met him, I always thought, ‘man, I hope I don’t mess this up.’ Because that’s what I do. I mess things up. But you know what I never thought? I never thought, ‘I hope this doesn’t mess me up.’

There’s a quickness in the way that things end.  Sometimes when you’re so happy, you can’t help but wonder when things will change.

So what happens once you lose control? When the future has to start. What happens when you’re still in love, but time rips you apart?

There are times to stay put, be patient, and hope that the things you want will come to you. But there are also times when you need to get up, get out in the world, and fight for what you want.

And it’s impossible to tell how important someone was, and what you might have missed out on, and how he might have changed it all, and how you might have changed it all for him.

Sometimes, all you can do is not think, not wonder; not obsess; not
 imagine. Sometimes you have to just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out.

He started to look at me in a manner I recognized: it was the way I looked at a new book, one I had never read before, one that surprised me with all it had to say.

I guess the reason I think I’m nothing is because no one’s ever fought for me. I believe if I was truly worth it, that somewhere along this road, someone would’ve fought for me to stay, but instead, I always wound up walking away.

Every night I stayed up playing through every memory. If I had only one minute left, I know how I’d spend it, saying everything I feel for you.

I wanted to tell him how I can’t get him off my mind or how the mere thought of him makes my heart skip a beat and how I blush anytime someone says his name. But somehow, it didn’t come out like that at all. It just came out, “I’ll always be here,” which was true.

It feels like a dream. One second you were holding my hand, kissing me. Then you’re begging me to text you. The next you’re not responding and it’s like our little exchange of words and kisses didn’t even happen. It ended before it even began.

I don’t know, when I’m with you I just, I never know what’s going to happen next. It’s weird, because my life is so planned out. It’s like you don’t care what people think.. and when I’m with you.. I don’t care what people think.

Either you play the game or watch the game play you.


4 Responses

  1. girl, you’re amazing! keep it up 🙂

  2. Love it!!!!

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