There was something inside her that longed to be desired, to be cared for and protected, to be listened to and accepted without judgment. To be loved.

I know we don’t talk anymore, but there are still are so many things I want to tell you. Like how I compare every boy that I meet to you. And how I hate myself because my memories could never substitute for seeing your face in person. And how every time somebody says your name I just smile and look the other way like it doesn’t faze me in the least.

I’ve been thinking about you constantly since I left, wondering why the journey I’m on seemed to have led through you. I know my journey’s not over yet, and that life is a winding path, but I can only hope it somehow circles back to the place I belong. That’s how I think of it now. I belong with you.

I like to pretend that everything’s alright and hope that if everybody else thinks I’m fine, maybe I’ll forget for a while that I’m not.

Sometimes, when you don’t ask questions, 
it’s not because you are afraid that someone will lie to your face. 
It’s because you’re afraid they’ll tell you the truth.

And even though we know we shouldn’t love them, we do and always will. Because there are just a small number of people in this world who will “get” us for reasons we can’t explain, even when they shouldn’t.

It’s not even you I love anymore,
 it’s the idea of you.

You never needed me like I needed you, and I resent you for that.

I’m gonna be the change in you.

I want to believe in it all again, the art, the fate, and the love. And I want to believe that I’ve made the right choice and that I’m on the right path and there’s still time to fix the mistakes that I’ve made. And I guess I want hope.

People figure I crossed the line. Truth is, there is no line. There’s only your life and how you mess it up. And who’s there to save you and who isn’t.

You may see me struggle, but you will never see me fall.

But then there was nobody there to love me for so long. And I guess I started to believe that there must be a reason why.

Does it break my heart? Of course. Every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of. I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent. I never thought about things at all. Everything changed, and that distance wedged itself between me and my happiness. It wasn’t the world, and it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings. It was me and my thinking, the cancer of never letting go. Is ignorance bliss? I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think. And tell me, what did thinking ever do for me? To what place did thinking ever bring me? I think and I think and I think. I’ve thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it.

I don’t deserve you. Everything you do for me is everything I couldn’t do for you.

So long ago, you had promised yourself to never become what you are now. But time has a way of changing things, and people have a way of letting it.

Sometimes there is nothing to be said. Sometimes nothing should be said. I just want to find someone who won’t run away. Someone to look me in the eyes and tell me it’s okay that things don’t always go right. That this is how life works, and how it will always work. That it’s not going to be easy. Today, tomorrow, the next day, but it will somehow get better.

I wanted my memories, 5 years from then, to be perfectly clear. I wanted to remember all of the little details of that night. But somehow they slipped through the cracks, and then everything we had went too.

Take comfort in knowing that I, no matter how much you think I’ve got it good, I am completely miserable. And I will continue to be for awhile now. I don’t know if this sadness will ever go away. You had him, you still do and that is so much more than what I can say for myself. He loves you, he will always love you and that is more than I can say for myself; I have been forgotten, swept under the rug, left behind by the one person I gave my all to. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are loved.  Please don’t forget that. I want you to know that, I just want you to know.

I didn’t want that night to end, because for the first time in a while, I wasn’t faking a smile.


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