At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.

When you’re around someone so much, for so long, they become a part of you, and when they change or go away, you don’t know who you are without them.

It’s an interesting feeling to scroll through all the numbers in your phone and realize that there is no one who will understand.

Have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we fall asleep? We whisper the words in the dark, telling ourselves that we’re happy, or that he’s happy, that people will change their minds. We persuade ourselves that we can live without the people who have left. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate hope that come morning, it will all be true.

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.

I know we’d both like to forget everything that has happened. We’ve become strangers. Strangers with a past. Lately, I am realizing that I don’t really miss you, I miss the way you made me feel.

What I’m trying to say isn’t really new. It’s just the things that happen to me when I’m reminded of you. Like when I hear your name or see a place that you’ve been, or see a picture of your grin or pass a house that you’ve been in. It sets off something in me that I can’t explain, and I really just can’t wait to see you again.

You’re a wonderful person. You’ve got so much to offer someone, & I hope that one day you’ll finally meet the person who can make sense of all that pain you’re carrying around. You deserve that. In my heart, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. But I can’t take the chance of that happening again.

It’s like once you’ve been hurt, you’re so scared to get attached again. You have this fear that every person you start to fall for, is just going to break your heart again.

And I smile because I have to. Because I can’t let you know that I’m hurting. Inside & out, I am completely breaking down. I miss you, & everything about you. I still love you and that will never go away.

Here’s a big fuck you to the calls I waited for. The dates I hoped for, the love I wanted, the tears I cried, and the heart you broke.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on. And when you want to move on, but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away. It’s so hard to think back to how things used to be and look at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same. You tell yourself it’s not worth it, but if it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about it.

I looked back on us today, and I honestly don’t know why I missed you, why I wanted you back. Sure, at the beginning we were kids rushing into things we had no idea what about, but slowly, instead of trusting you more, I trusted you less, and the more I loved you, the less I loved myself. But now I’m free, and I’m not sorry. I had to get out. I knew it was over long before you said it, sweetheart. And I thought you broke my heart, but you merely made it stronger, made it resilient. Of course I’ll never forget you, but there’s no way I’m ever going back. So goodbye, my first love. Thank you for being such a fabulous waste of time.

Maybe sometimes you have to stop waiting for someone to come along and fix what’s wrong. Maybe you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize that no one else has the answer. Sometimes you gotta be your own hero.

I needed something to go right so badly that I convinced myself it was real. Even though I think, deep down, I knew it wasn’t. I think I knew he was going to leave, I just didn’t want to believe it.

I knew you’d be gone in the morning and that I would never see you again. But somehow, I let myself forget that we were little more than strangers when you wrapped me in your arms. Because, for just one second, it felt so nice to pretend that I actually belonged somewhere, with someone.

Sometimes, I just miss that boy. The one who held my hand walking down the street; who’s arms I laid in & never wanted to go away. The one who I talked to for hours & told pointless stories to. The one who knew everything about me & liked me anyway. The one who knew exactly what I was saying even if I didn’t, & helped me when I had no clue what to do. The one who showed me what love was & what it was like to need someone there. The one who could only make me cry & hurt me like no other guy could. Those eyes that said everything, that sense of sarcasm that was always there; the way even he couldn’t stop from falling in love. That even though we fought constantly & couldn’t stand each other, we couldn’t leave each other’s side. Something is still there; something that never left me the day that boy broke my heart in two. Something like your first love that wasn’t ready to end. Something that makes your stomach flip at the brush of a hand or arm. Something that makes it so much harder to know that he’s not yours anymore, but hers. Something that makes you want to hide away & cry all those tears, because suddenly all of those memories come back & it almost hurts worse to know that it’s all out of control. And you just miss everything about that boy that isn’t ever coming back.

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.

You think I’m so fragile and you talk like you’re terrified of hurting me. But darling, don’t worry, I would never let you close enough.


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