Time changes people in ways that words can not explain. Its kind of like we’re all made out of little puzzle pieces that are constantly stretching and morphing to fit into the newest version of ourselves. Past friends, lovers and experiences become old puzzle pieces and are eventually replaced by new ones. It is no use to try to push these old pieces into areas where they no longer fit because what made you happy once, might not make you happy now.

You don’t let people in. It’s hard for you, and once you do , you don’t want to let them go, and when they screw up, you’re like, ‘why did you do that to me?’ I gave you my feelings. I did everything for you; and you screwed me over.

Just because you didn’t speak the facts out loud didn’t erase their existence. Silence was just a quieter way to lie.

It was kind of like auto pilot; I just shut down and retreated, my brain clicking off before anything that hurt could sink in.

The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained.

After a while, you get sick of caring and you’re too hurt to fight. Sometimes no matter what you do, things won’t be alright.

I don’t know why we all hang onto something we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t really have. Some of us say we’d rather have that something than nothing, but the truth is to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.

I learned that getting mad was easier than being sad. Anger was something I could control. I could settle into an easy rhythm of blame and hate. Focus energy on something other than the ache in my heart.

All of us search for love, but some of us, after we’ve found it, wish we hadn’t.

“Do you like being alone?” he asked.

“No. No one likes being alone. But I’ve learned how to live with it”

Be loved, but never love. Attach but never combine. Trip but never fall. To be broken is better then being shattered. Tell him of your strength but never of your past. Be trustworthy but never trust. Be cracked, but never open.

Even though you’ve never been in love with him…. it hurts when you feel your friendship pulling apart. Its hard to know that you don’t mean as much to someone else as they mean to you…. and sometimes… no matter how much he means, no matter what you’ve been through, your life is just that… yours. And this is about you. Walking away isn’t easy, but its something that you’ve got to do. So in that glance over your shoulder you take the snap shot in your mind, the one that you will always use when you remember him…. signature stained white t shirt… jeans with holes no matter how new they used to be…. half cocked smile with a slightly arrogant glance. Tonight you’ll feel like nothing has changed, but you know in the morning this guy will be gone, the one you’ve been missing…. will go missing once more.

It’s called falling in love for a reason – because, inevitably, you crashed at the bottom.

I understood wanting to forget. Things that made you remember cut like pieces of glass.

I’ve been hurt many times before this. You’d think it would be routine by now. You’d think I wouldn’t let it get to me. But the truth is, I trusted you.

I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention.

Memories were fine, but you couldn’t touch them, smell them, or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment had been, and they faded with time.

I might be stumbling a little on my way out, but I’m walking away… I’m moving on.

You’ve always been this possibility for me. This wonderful possibility, but it’s just not right. And I’m so sorry. I need you to know that you’re the man I want to want.

You gradually get over the pain. It doesn’t go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he’s not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you’ve made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally. You manage to do this because you don’t see them, you don’t hear about them, you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name . . . and the memories come flooding back. But memories also become less painful in time.

Look at these empty walls around us. This, my darling, is my life without you.

They say that when people first lose a limb, they can still feel it. It still hurts, they still try to use it. They call it having a “Phantom Limb” I think that this is what losing a person is like. You beckon them over to “come see this!”, you come home at the end of the day to tell them about how much you hate going to work, you pick up the phone to call them when you’re happy, sad, mad, or somewhere in between. Until you realize that they’re not there. And each time you realize it, it hurts just as bad as it did the first time, all over again. Only an arm, I could lose. It’s the people I care about the most that I can’t live without.

Was I ever truly over him? At one time I was sure that the answer was yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?


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